We often read discussions of whether dogs experience guilt; we’ve published a few, too. But here is a twist I don’t think I’ve ever seen discussed: A dog owner’s guilt over something related to their dog ownership.
Many of us who are old enough to have owned dogs before the advent of positive-reinforcement-based dog training – yes, this was before cell phones and when candy bars cost just a quarter – probably feel some amount of guilt and/or shame about how they trained dogs in their youth. There is a term that describes us – “crossover trainers” – those of us who started training dogs with choke chains and collar “pops.” This was the norm for anyone who wanted a well-trained dog who would walk on a loose leash, once upon a time. (It’s hard to fathom how different and wonderful it must be for trainers and owners who are, say, 30 years old or younger, who came of age in the dog world when positive reinforcement was the norm.)
Things I feel guilty about
I think back to the dog I was allowed to keep for my very own, starting when I was about 13 years old, and who lived with me into my mid-twenties. He was a half-Kelpie, part-hound-mix, dog-aggressive and, it seemed to me then, hard-headed. Frustrated by his many attacks on other dogs and not knowing anyone who knew any better than me, I physically punished him for his many transgressions. I know now that all of that punishment only hardened his negative feelings about other dogs – and far from correcting the issue, it made his hatred of other dogs worse. This was a lifelong conflict between us, and I never found a better way to deal with the behavior. Forgive me, Tavi, I honestly didn’t know any better.
My heaviest burden of guilt has to do with the death of little Tito, a Chihuahua-mix who was sort of dumped on my husband and me by his niece some years back. I didn’t really want another dog at the time, and Tito didn’t really want new owners, either. It took us all a long time to get to know each other; he was a prickly little tough guy. He didn’t like to be picked up, he was a ferocious resource-guarder, and he generally just kept his own council. Over time, though, we got used to and accepted his tough-guy independence and we all actually grew quite fond of each other.
A couple years after we had finally accepted that Tito was a member of our family, he was mortally wounded by a dog I was fostering. It took me nearly a year to process and understand what happened and to write about it; as penance for the ignorance that led to Tito’s death, I still tell the story to anyone I know who is considering fostering an aggressive dog. It’s not that dogs who display aggression can’t be rehabilitated – they certainly can. But people need to know what they are getting into, and need to protect their own families (human and canine) from getting hurt in the process. I didn’t protect Tito, and he paid for my ignorance with his life. The dog who attacked him was euthanized following the event – and this death, too, is on my hands. I am not sure when or if I can, or should, forgive myself for these deaths.
Accidents can happen to the best of us
I know two different people who accidentally backed their cars over (and killed) their own dogs, each of whom was sleeping in the driveway. Two! Both of those people were understandably wracked with guilt about these horrible accidents.
I have another friend who will never forgive herself for letting her dog off-leash to chase some birds, who were covering a huge grassy playing field at a college. But the dog chased and chased and wouldn’t come back, and eventually chased them across a busy street and was hit by a car. Despite almost immediate emergency veterinary care, he died at a veterinarian’s office less than an hour later. My friend is almost pathologically careful about letting her current dog off-leash, which is good, but I’m sorry that she still suffers about her former mistake.
Dog ownership is a huge responsibility; their lives and health are fully in our hands. Guilt over the things we’ve done wrong, I guess, helps keep us alert to the possibility that we might make other mistakes, that we have to be more careful with these precious lives. And, as the saying goes, when we know better, we can do better. Sometimes I just wish learning some of these lessons wasn’t so hard.
What do you feel guilty about? Maybe others can learn from your mistakes.
I’m nearly forty and was definitely raised and taught by my parents that the only way to train a dog was to beat the crap out of them. I’m horrified to this day about my two childhood dogs had suffered by my parents and by extension us children. I had my epiphany in college and discovered the positive training that is both clear and humane. I still feel guilt. My last five dogs have only love and positive reinforcement just as they should. (Yes, my father was an abusive man and I had to unlearn everything that I was taught, but learning to train my dogs through love helped heal me in ways I’m grateful for.)
I was looking at the dogs in a shelter. All of them were anxious yappy dogs except for one huge Chessie who sat quietly and looked in my eyes. He had a nice collar with the tags missing and was fit and well groomed. I supposed he’d been stolen or lost on a vacation trip. I told him his people were sure to find him and that I would call in a few days to see and adopt him if he was still there. We left each other with that understanding and I told the shelter. So it was a Friday and I didn’t call until Tuesday. They had put him down. “Too big to get adopted.” Just a records’ glitch, I guess. Why didn’t I call sooner! Why wasn’t I pushier? That was about 30 years ago, and when I look back, he’s one of our beloved dogs. Just breaks my heart to think of him. He trusted me.
Speaking from my experiences–catholic upbringing, always had dogs (one seriously fear aggressive), daily shelter volunteer for years, weekly dog training classes for decades–guilt is useful in that you learn, do better, are more observant & kinder–in short, you modify your behavior. Every trainer I know has taken on a dog that they were sure they could help, but couldn’t. Let the guilt go. Thank you for sharing what you learned. I have bookmarked this.
Thank you so much for this honest article and all of the people who commented. Brought big tears to my eyes thinking of my earlier dogs and what I have learned from them. I too did some of the choke collar training and punishment for negative behavior. I’m endlessly appreciative of what they taught me and other ways of training sought out as I have gotten older. My current fur kids live quite the lush, happy, extremely well loved and cared for lives as a result. Spoiled is an understatement but they deserve it with their endless amounts of love they give.
I was just thinking how spoiled our current (and previous two) fur kids are too!! Electric dog door that raises up when they approach, a carpeted ramp to the backyard. Steps next to the couch, a ramp next to the bed. Steps next to my work desk for the cat to easily get to her window perch. I’ve worked from home for the last two years. One of our dogs was adopted at the age of 5, but she must have had a really good life because her manners are amazing. (I think her previous owner may have gone to a nursing home.) Our other dog we’ve had since a pup. I do feel guilty because we didn’t socialize him. He’s fine with people in our house though, just that he’s scared of outside people.
I had a toy poodle, years ago, she had a liter of 5 pups they were 5 wks old. I let her out that morning to potty, I turned around to grab my coffee and before I could reach her a German Shepherd came into the yard and got her. She run back to the door and expanded like a balloon. I run her to the closest vet and towards evening they said she was fine and I could take her home. She died one hour at my feet . I have never gotten over that terribly day. I have felt guilty for not watching her better. All my dogs I’ve had since then, I’m very pertective.
I have lived and loved over 20 dogs in my 70 years and probably made 10X that many mistakes. And yes I feel guilty, especially for the earlier ones. But they are DOGS, and I know that they love and forgive me, which is why I believe they are so much better than humans. If they had thumbs, look out, world!
“Dog ownership is a huge responsibility; their lives and health are fully in our hands.” It certainly is. I have regrets over my earlier dogs (pre-2000’s), all of whom I loved dearly. I now know i could have done better by them, much better. Really appreciate your honesty, Nancy.
Growing up out in the country, we had a beagle mix dog. My friend and I were playing with Bernie when he took off across the highway. Like in slow motion, poor Bernie was hit by a car. He survived but was paralyzed in his back legs. 🙁 My parents decided that he should be put down. He was a super nice dog. 🙁
Another guilt was when I was moving to a new state and the apartment I was moving to only allowed one dog and I had two. I had to rehome one. BUT.. my cocker spaniel went to a good home with a family of 10 kids at the time. The oldest boy wanted a lap dog of his own. (The family ended up having SIX more kids…) I feel like at least I found her a good home where she’d get LOTS of attention. She loved kids and I was single. But still, how does one pick which to keep? It was a tough one for sure. Both dogs were awesome. My schnauzer lived to be 14, and he moved four times with me, not caring where he was provided I was there. 🙂
And my final guilt was also when I was growing up, there was a cute little black dog that someone had dumped out in the country. I couldn’t convince my mom that we should pick him up. He kept looking at all the cars, hoping his owner came back. He ended up being hit by a car and died. 🙁 I still feel SO BADLY about this. On a more positive note, now I DO pick up dogs that look lost and bring them to a no-kill shelter, depending on where I find this dog OR call the owner if they have tags on.
Our first dog (early 70’s) was a first class resource guarder who we responded to with punishment. She bit my mother-in-law and a friend’s child (not seriously, thank goodness) and we still didn’t get it. I guess we were lucky those were the only incidents. Our next dog, while earning several obedience titles, was always kind of “flat”. I often wonder how she might have blossomed with positive reinforcement training. Our next three dogs have been much more fortunate.
I still feel guilty about “putting our first dog down”. We found him on the street in Mobile AL and loved him dearly. When we moved to Huntsville from Fairhope I tried to do some due diligence on finding. Good vet and settled on a small practice. When our dog got to the point of no return I called this vet to come to the house and put Della down. He came but did not administer a calming shot first and Della cried out when she was euthanized. Horrible cries. They still haunt me today
Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry this experience happened. This makes me cry to think about. (((hugs))) It’s a tough decision to make and then this happens. 🙁 I know no words will make this better…
Thank you for your kind words
Kathy I too am in tears over your pain ((hugs)), and your pups pain. I know most of us agonize over the right time to euthanize, but my God, to have that added to an already difficult decision, I cannot even fathom.
Rita O.
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the day I said goodbye to my old friend. He was a rescue; a Yorkie. Every day he thanked me for being his friend. He was and is my heart dog. I knew one day I would have to say goodbye. No amount of preparation really prepares you. I was so lucky to have a good vet to prepare me. I wasn’t rushed. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but as sure as he was my respected friend I knew one day this time would come. We had 12 wonderful years together, but age and illness cut our time short. It was my duty as his owner; parent and companion not to let my Bentley suffer his kidney condition anymore. He was strong and loving, so I was brave through to his last breath. But the pain doesn’t go. Especially as he became my assistance dog and aided me in my wheelchair and disability. I never trained him, he just took the job! Thank you for sharing your story, so I could tell mine.