This is a guest blog post that touched us deeply. Its author, Jenny Efimova, KPA CTP, is the founder and owner of Dogminded. Efimova offers private dog training in and around Boston, Massachusetts, as well as virtual training for puppies and dogs and their humans. One of her mottoes: “How we teach dogs matters as much as what we teach them.”
Yesterday I shared a few stories on my Instagram page about the false belief that showing our dogs affection and allowing them on the couch or bed may cause behavior problems, including separation anxiety. Since then I’ve received *dozens* of messages from people expressing relief and gratitude and sharing how guilty they have been made to feel for treating their dogs with basic compassion and kindness.
This is heartbreaking and I want to reiterate a few things: One, dogs are social animals who have uniquely evolved to live with and alongside us. Social contact is a *basic need*. They seek comfy places next to their humans for no other reason than that they like comfy places next to their humans.
Not allowing your dog on furniture, ignoring your dog, or rationing how you show your dog affection does not provide “structure” or help resolve behavior issues. This is magical thinking, something that we compensate with when we lack adequate education and skillset to address behavior issues with science and evidence-based interventions. And in the year 2020 it does not have a legitimate place in the world of dog training and behavior.
It’s also abject cruelty and ignorance to advise people to withhold attention, affection, and comfort from their dogs who are already suffering. Separation anxiety, for one, is a disorder not something that results from too many cuddles or access to the couch.
Blaming people for their dogs’ behavior problems they did nothing to cause is especially egregious and has to stop. People don’t deserve to carry this guilt, nor should they be made to shun their dogs and treat them in ways that are contrary to the very reasons we bring dogs into our lives.
Dog training is an unregulated industry and the information you find is not created equal. So please beware of advice from self-proclaimed experts on social media, vet your sources, and follow your instincts when something feels wrong.
I’ve been there and if you have too, you know exactly the feeling I’m talking about. It’s the sense of moving through your own discomfort because a “professional” told you so. I know we can do better than this. Our dogs deserve better.
Jenny Efimova can be reached through her business website: https://www.dogmindedboston.com/
We love our adopted rescue dog. She has free reign of everywhere in the house and a huge fenced in yard. She is allowed– actually encour– to snuggle with us on the sofa anytime she wants. I feel she is a member of the family and our home is her home too. The only one place she is not allowed is our bed: at 100lbs she is a bed hog! (We know this from a couple road trips where she slept with us in a hotel room bed).
My little Terrier Mix rescue is the most important being to me regardless of the species. I wouldn’t tell her no regardless of where she wanted to lay, as long as she’s safe, I’m fine with her choices. I have only one companion at a time. Makes a huge difference. Life is way too short to impose rules on a precious canine companion.
I never let a dog on my bed but they always slept in my bedroom next to me. They were good dogs and got a lot of love and affection. My youngest got a dog at ten and like most children the dog slept with her. She went off to school and the dog stayed home. The dog insisted on being in my bed. She is so sweet and loving. I missed a lot of comfort from not letting a dog in my bed. A dog in bed cannot get close enough to you. What joy. Next dog or dogs will be allowed in my bed after being “ potty” trained.
What do you mean by rationing affection/ ignoring the dog doesn’t help separation anxiety? I believe that only showing the dog affection while they’re showing desirable behavior is a valuable tool that is helpful for all behavior problems, including separation anxiety. Thus, if a dog is showing undesireable behaviors you wouldn’t show them affection at that time. For example while crate training you return to the puppy (from ignoring them) once they stop crying if they cry to reinforce the quiet behavior.
My dogs are allowed everywhere except in the cats’ safe room.
We have bought appropriately sturdy and spacious furniture and most of the dogs prefer to sprawl on their comfy dog beds or the cool tile floor.
Every one of them will want to snuggle on the couch occasionally.
Nota huge deal in our house..
I don’t allow my dogs on the sofa or my bed because there wouldn’t be enough room for me. However, I do shower them with affection because we all would like to know that the people in our lives think we are wonderful and so it is with dogs. They deserve it.
My father had a German short haired pointer he used to hunt MAYBE 2 times a year. He had the poor thing on a 3 foot chain in a doghouse in the corner of our backyard. I use to sneak out and pet and love on the dog and when he caught me, I would get my “butt tanned” bcuz he said I would “ruin the dog” and he wouldn’t hunt anymore!! I’m glad now I endured the punishment for the sake of one of God’s greatest gifts…..the love of our dogs! Always have believed they need and deserve our love. Thank you for this article. God bless you!
LaDonna Whiteside
Good for you LaDonna!
Thank you! I absolutely believe they are gifts from God that we should take care of and love
Is it any wonder that dog spelled backwards is God? I think not!!
I agree that dogs are a special gift from God BUT this dog spelled backwards thing is disrespectful to the Lord. Please rethink your comment. Anyway, that spelled backwards thing wouldn’t apply to other languages.
I have always believed that. A dog is like God at least in one area that it shows unconditional love. “It is the only animal that loves you more than it loves itself.”
In the bad old days when people used to keep dogs outside on chains (60’s) my neighbors had a lovely Weimaraner, Dusty, also a hunting dog. Fortunately his chain was on a long overhead slider, and they welcomed my 2 sisters and I who were dog crazy kids with no dog of our own, and let us pet Dusty, who was a sweetie, whenever we wanted to.
This is a harsh but beautiful story. Thank you for loving him.
While I agree with dogs on beds and couches, I have a multi-dog household a specific dog that cannot handle all the love, he is super jealous and we have found when allowing him to be on bed and couches this behavior increases . So I think there are certain circumstances this is fine for and others need to be a case by case basis
We have a new puppy and we have had puppies before but I guess forget they bite every thing. Doing pretty good on potty but the main thing now is biting! She has toys but bites ! I’d love a way to stop this. Like I said have had puppies before.
Great advice! The opinion of someone who doesnt believe that other species (other nations) dont have the same need for affection & closeness to someone they love as humans? Really old fashioned is the kindest way I could put it! And cruel!