Say you are in a grocery store with your best friend and her child, and you both see the child take something, perhaps a candy bar, and start eating it. You look at your friend to see if she’s going to say anything to her child, but she just shrugs. Then you notice that another shopper has also seen this, and that person glares at you, as if to say, “Well, aren’t you going to do something about this?” You smile and shrug helplessly, and the best you can say is, “It’s not my kid!”
Well, that was me. But it was at a park where a bunch of dogs were playing off-leash, in spite of the signs ringing the park that indicated dogs were supposed to be on leash. I was walking with a friend and her dog toward the middle of the park, toward the swirl of off-leash dogs, and across a narrow zone of people walking their dogs ON-leash and across a busy bike path. Each time my friend’s dog ran right up to a leashed dog (and of course, the humans at the other end of the leash), I would look back at my friend, who always seemed to be doing something else – looking through her pockets, looking at her phone – I don’t know WHAT she was doing!
I whistled for my friend’s dog a couple of times, and he came back to me once. But when he ran up to an older person who was walking a little West Highland White Terrier and who looked up and glared at me as his walk was interrupted by the two dogs greeting, all I could come up with at the moment was “I’m sorry, it’s not my dog!” There was no growling or aggression, but I was so uncomfortable! This isn’t how I would manage my own dogs!
And by the time two people on a tandem bike had to come to a complete halt to make sure they weren’t going to hit my friend’s dog, who was trotting along on a diagonal on the bike path, and they couldn’t easily ascertain which way he was going to go, my nerves were fried.
I think we can all agree that allowing your dog to run up to other people, and especially people with leashed dogs, is incredibly rude and potentially dangerous. It can set back a training and counter-conditioning program of a dog whose own behavior with other dogs is reactive. I know that my friend’s dog has been attacked and bitten by an off-leash dog before. So why on earth would she let her off-leash dog run up to other leashed dogs?
After the moment with the Westie, I did say to my friend, “You know, it’s pretty rude to let your dog run up to people with a leashed dog. If their dog was totally comfortable with other dogs, they’d probably have it off-leash.” My friend’s response? “Oh, I know, but XXX (my dog) is totally good with other dogs.”
All I could say is, “Well, this is hard for me to be around…”
I’ve been thinking this ever since. I guess I’m one of those people who can never think of what to say at the time, who thinks of the perfect thing to say later. But I still haven’t thought of what I should have said and done. I know what I would have liked to say: “Hey! Put the dog on leash, or keep him with us until we are in the middle of the park with all the other off-leash dogs!” But she’s an adult and I’m not her boss.
But this morning I thought, perhaps someone else knows just what to say in this situation, or any situation where you are with a friend or relative and they do something you feel is very wrong. What’s the perfect approach to preserving your relationship, while expressing your discomfort with what your friend or relative is doing? Because simply deciding never to walk with them and their dog again feels bad, too – but that’s the best I have been able to come up with so far.
What would you do or say? What would be a tactful but educational approach to take? (Those might be two different answers!)
As a somewhat frail elder (with a dog), I have been knocked to the ground several times by friendly off leash dogs (in an on leash park). Their humans were either not paying attention, or had not taught their dog a solid recall. It was not my job to tell a stranger their dog should not be off leash. My goal was to be able to walk my dog without being injured. What worked best was for me to say “what a handsome energetic dog!” Then say, “I am sorry, I am a bit fragile, and should probably just stay home, but I do love walking my dog here. I fear I will break bones if I am knocked over by your friendly dog”. Because I did not make the human feel defensive, they were cooperative & retrieved their dog whenever they saw me. Maybe I modified the behavior of those humans, & they generalized to pay closer attention to their dogs, especially around elders & small children.
I’ve read all of the comments and they all have good points. My thought: YOUR dog may be friendly to other dogs but MY dog isn’t!! I have a highly reactive dog and any dog running up to her, regardless of how friendly the owner may think they are, is a recipe for disaster. Maybe just a reminder to the friend about this fact would help.
My advice would be to talk about the situation in a neutral setting, using a calm, neutral tone of voice. If that approach doesn’t work/friend insists on remaining clueless in spite of your efforts, just find other ways to socialize with this friend. You “can’t fix stupid” and there’s no need to subject yourself to further stressful situations.
People who have dogs off-lead in on-lead areas are the bane of my life. I would have to be fairly blunt with my friend in this scenario. She should be more responsible especially as her dog has been attacked before. Just a word of advice-shout out “My dog is contagious-please keep your dog away” if you have an on-leash dog an on off-leash dog is running towards them. people don.t care if your dog is nervous but will act out of self-interest every time. I also wear a Go-Pro body camera on walks and take a legal alarm-Trident 3 in 1. We’ve had 3 years of living near a moronic dog-owner who wouldn’t leash his reactive Black Lab near roads and it kept trying to have a pop at my dogs (Crossing the road to do so) but met with my litter-picker first. One of my dogs is consequently afraid of off-lead dogs he doesn’t know running up.
I had a similar experience in my neighborhood. My neighbors are in their 20’s and barely responsible for owning a house. They used let their dog out in the morning and I would call them to get their dog. Well one morning the guy came over and said “I don’t know what you’re getting all upset about? My dog is friendly.”
I told him my dog wasn’t .
Then he said “You’re overreacting. Your dog is perfectly calm “.
At which point my dog growled and snapped at his dog.. He grabbed his dog and ran back across the street.
I haven’t had a problem with them since and his dog is always on a leash.
Firstly: Know the law. Know the consequences for the dog and the owner of a dog over which that owner has no control and which dog is then involved in an incident causing damage. Tell them about it. it’s a black and white issue.
Secondly: Educate them about the following:
1. environmental awareness as a cool skill to learn so that intelligent (considerate) environmental navigation becomes the practiced behaviour.
2. the potential outcomes deriving from the owner negligently or maliciously exposing an animal (theirs or belonging to another owner) to psychological and/or physical harm including:
– injury which can be severe/life threatening
– profound fear>panic>escape>aggression cycle
– increased morbidity due to profound stress
– the risk of the animal being impounded (i.e. separated from its social structure)
– imposition of punitive ‘control’ measures
– risk of euthanasia due to a court order
3. be a responsible citizen and be kind to other people and their dogs.
I definitely would take a collar and leash and leash him up with the “so we can talk and not have to watch him so closely to be sure he doesn’t get hurt”. When unleashed dogs run up to mine with the “my dog is friendly” verbiage, my reply in a loud voice is that my dog will “have yours for dinner”. That gets attention. Haha
I tell them please my dog is scared. Some are compassionate and some are total assholes!
I agree with talking about this away from the “incendiary situation”.
You might also point out that if her friendly dog causes an accidentshe will be liable. Not just for the damage caused but for lost wages etc and her dog could be deckared dangerous which might have a bad ending for the dog.
It seems tha when people don’t et it drastic examples are in order…
Best of luck. It’s easy for us far-removed bystanders to give advice, but very different in the heat of the moment.
I tend to put it in terms they can understand. What if a stranger came up, cornered you, and gave you a big hug? If you protest, they say, “It’s okay, I like giving hugs!” Not everyone likes hugs, and they should be asked first. You can’t ask if your dog’s off leash.