Say you are in a grocery store with your best friend and her child, and you both see the child take something, perhaps a candy bar, and start eating it. You look at your friend to see if she’s going to say anything to her child, but she just shrugs. Then you notice that another shopper has also seen this, and that person glares at you, as if to say, “Well, aren’t you going to do something about this?” You smile and shrug helplessly, and the best you can say is, “It’s not my kid!”
Well, that was me. But it was at a park where a bunch of dogs were playing off-leash, in spite of the signs ringing the park that indicated dogs were supposed to be on leash. I was walking with a friend and her dog toward the middle of the park, toward the swirl of off-leash dogs, and across a narrow zone of people walking their dogs ON-leash and across a busy bike path. Each time my friend’s dog ran right up to a leashed dog (and of course, the humans at the other end of the leash), I would look back at my friend, who always seemed to be doing something else – looking through her pockets, looking at her phone – I don’t know WHAT she was doing!
I whistled for my friend’s dog a couple of times, and he came back to me once. But when he ran up to an older person who was walking a little West Highland White Terrier and who looked up and glared at me as his walk was interrupted by the two dogs greeting, all I could come up with at the moment was “I’m sorry, it’s not my dog!” There was no growling or aggression, but I was so uncomfortable! This isn’t how I would manage my own dogs!
And by the time two people on a tandem bike had to come to a complete halt to make sure they weren’t going to hit my friend’s dog, who was trotting along on a diagonal on the bike path, and they couldn’t easily ascertain which way he was going to go, my nerves were fried.
I think we can all agree that allowing your dog to run up to other people, and especially people with leashed dogs, is incredibly rude and potentially dangerous. It can set back a training and counter-conditioning program of a dog whose own behavior with other dogs is reactive. I know that my friend’s dog has been attacked and bitten by an off-leash dog before. So why on earth would she let her off-leash dog run up to other leashed dogs?
After the moment with the Westie, I did say to my friend, “You know, it’s pretty rude to let your dog run up to people with a leashed dog. If their dog was totally comfortable with other dogs, they’d probably have it off-leash.” My friend’s response? “Oh, I know, but XXX (my dog) is totally good with other dogs.”
All I could say is, “Well, this is hard for me to be around…”
I’ve been thinking this ever since. I guess I’m one of those people who can never think of what to say at the time, who thinks of the perfect thing to say later. But I still haven’t thought of what I should have said and done. I know what I would have liked to say: “Hey! Put the dog on leash, or keep him with us until we are in the middle of the park with all the other off-leash dogs!” But she’s an adult and I’m not her boss.
But this morning I thought, perhaps someone else knows just what to say in this situation, or any situation where you are with a friend or relative and they do something you feel is very wrong. What’s the perfect approach to preserving your relationship, while expressing your discomfort with what your friend or relative is doing? Because simply deciding never to walk with them and their dog again feels bad, too – but that’s the best I have been able to come up with so far.
What would you do or say? What would be a tactful but educational approach to take? (Those might be two different answers!)
I have two replies that I use frequently. One is “Yes, your dog does seen friendly but mine has leash reactivity. I’d hate to see your pup get injured for you not following the leash laws” and the other response is for when people are just being jerks “Hey, we’re the ones with the big brains. Let’s try using them.”
I have one very social dog, and one not so social dog. Took almost 6 months of rotation and only outside interactions before I was able to allow these two live in the home together. When we are out on leash, I’m not worried about my social one hurting another dog, but DEFINITELY my other dog will bite and shake and if he wasn’t only 20 pounds could do some damage.
Not only do I walk with an air horn to keep dogs at bay, but I’ve also started walking with a slip lead. If I’m out with just my social dog and another dog approaches I am able to leash up the dog and wait for the owner to come get them. Then I make a point that they are lucky I didn’t have my other dog or it would’ve been another story. Sometimes reminding people that it isn’t about their own dog being friendly, but also that the leashed dogs may not be, can help discourage that.
I’ve also done things like bring an umbrella, so I can keep my not so friendly dog away from dogs that may approach. The umbrella builds a visual barrier, along with helps keep all dogs safe in the situation.
I guess it is a matter of education. Some people have only met or owned friendly and well socialized dogs and can’t relate to anything else.
Having a reactive, anxious rescue dog, I ‘ve done my best to protect her from off-leash dogs (and their owners). I’ve asked them to not let their dogs approach if the dog is running towards us. Sometimes I’ve had to stop the dog myself and stay between them and my dog until the owner catches up. One owner told me I must hate dogs when I asked them to put their dog on leash 🙁 Some people simply don’t seem to understand. If I see an off-leash dog or an absent-minded owner, we simply avoid them nowadays!
It’s quite hard to educate strangers on the street but if a situation happens, I always tell my dog is afraid of their dog and ask politely whatever I need.
Maybe you could kindly explain your friend that some dogs are just terrified and go to full panic mode if any, no matter how friendly, dog comes too near, on- or off-leash! So it’s about the other dog, not about their dog…
I haven’t experienced the situation where I’ve been with a friend walking their dog off leash, but have encountered many other people doing just that when I’m walking my dogs. I don’t hesitate to ask the person to “please put your dog on a leash”. If they don’t respond at all or say their dog is friendly, I remind them there is a leash law in our area, that having a dog on leash is for the safety of their dog and other dogs/people. It is astounding how many people think that just because their dog is (supposedly) friendly, that their dog is not at risk for being bitten by another leashed dog, or may be spooked by a noise and run into traffic. There is no accounting for a lack of courtesy and common sense!!!
I do the same. In fact yesterday my husband and I were hiking up a canyon w our 3 leashed dogs. We were approaching 2 unleashed dogs and their two people. I asked them to please leash their dogs and they just glared at me. One dog had a muzzle on! I then reminded them of the leash law. Another glare. I then said my husband is walking a reactive dog and please leash. Still no response so I pulled out my cell and said I was going to call the police …they finally leashed the dogs. Usually when I first ask people to please leash their dog, they do. Or more often put on leash ahead of encounter. I always thank those who leash up.
Such an important topic but I fear you are preaching to the choir; people who allow their dogs to simply run up to unknown leashed dogs are often completely tone-deaf to the pleas of leashed dog owners to keep away from their dogs. When confronted with the comment “oh my dog is completely fine with other dogs,” I am often forced to sternly announce, “but MY dog is NOT. Please stay away from him.” That’s often said as I am turning abruptly on my heel and running away, anything to avoid having my guy bite the other dog.
As for the appropriate response to your friend, I’d say “I know you want the best for Fido and would never knowingly risk him being bitten again. It can easily happen if an unknown dog is frightened. Perhaps just leash Fido until we reach the off-leash area and he can run free there.”
The “but my dog is not” statement doesn’t work either. I had a guy laugh at me after I said that, as his unleashed yellow lab came charging hundreds of feet across a road and parking lot toward me and my two leashed GSD’s. I saw the guy and dog coming. I took my dogs far off the path, across the parking lot, and BEHIND A CONRETE JERSEY BARRIER for God’s sake. Still his dog came, and still he laughed. People are the most repulsive species of animal.
Two GSDs against a lab? I would have told the guy he would be responsible for his own dog’s vet bills since your dogs were leashed and his was not, he was warned and you were leaving. No judge would hold you responsible for any injuries to his dogs.
Mary L, yes, but why put her GSDs though that trauma? They don’t want to fight.
I would carry a leash with me and put her dog on a leash while I was there or not go with her again. I would also say he may be well behaved with other dogs but he’s sure not well behaved off leash LOL
There are not bad dogs just bad owners
I like this answer, especially the “well-behaved with other dogs but not well-behaved off leash” comment.
The last sentence says it all…it’s been my mantra my whole life! LOTS of bad owners. I see too many people who don’t even deserve to have a dog. Dog ownership is a privilege. We are so lucky that these wonderful animals allow us into their lives. We owe it to them to be responsible. By letting her dog run loose, she is exposing him to potential danger from other dogs, vehicles, even other people.
I haven’t read through all the other comments yet, but how about telling the friend, “You’re making me nervous. I’ve seen too many disasters happen when dogs aren’t under the owner’s control, and I’d hate to see anything happen to yours.”
My thought too – I’d take another leash (and well fitting/Martingale collar) and walk her dog for her if I decided to walk with her at all.
That news story out of NYC about a woman who called the police on a black man birdwatcher was actually patly about this problem. People like to let their dogs off leash in the area of the park that they were in and this man who is invested in the natural bird habitat in that area brought dog treats with him to lure off leash dogs away from the birds and to simultaneously encourage the dog owners to come put their dogs back on a leash. He didn’t have a dog himself but it seemed like this was a workaround he came up with to discourage off-leash dogs. Who knows maybe he was also intimidated by dogs who would come upon him in the wooded area and also hoped to appease them if they were startled. The dog owner in this instance got very offended and aggressive toward him so this obviously is not the answer in all cases but minus all the police drama caused by this one woman I thought it was a decent effort on the part of the birder to address the issue.
This is adult to adult conflict resolution. Just like with any unacceptable human behavior, there is a best way to handle it.
(1). Discuss the issue with her when you are NOT with the dogs. Clearer thinking will prevail.
(2). Approach the topic from the positive side—how much you want time with her as a friend, how you care about her dog, etc.
(3). Take it on yourself. It’s not your dog but because of who you are (your experience, training, wisdom, etc) you find it difficult to walk together when, to you, the focus is on the dogs and to her, it is a relaxed stroll. You would love to feel that relaxed but experience prevails and you worry about inappropriate interactions and her dog getting hurt…again. Etc…
(4). “How do you think we can work this out together? It’s not my job to change you but walking like this isn’t working for me”.
(5). So here’s the rub. If she’s touchy, she might get (a) irritated (b) hurt, etc. But if she can look honestly at herself and realize your concerns are valid, there is room to discuss a future plan of action.
Good luck!
EXCELLENT advice! Thank you! Just what I was hoping for.
I guess Nancy, it depends what your friendship with her is worth to you, and if you can be kindly honest. At my age, I’ve gotten to the point where I choose to eliminate from my life people whose values do not more closely match mine. It’s stressful for you to be put in that spot. Does she really care about you as a friend and professional? Thats how I would approach this, ask her how she would feel if something bad were to happen while you were on watch.
I’m not saying to get rid of your friend, but, you, as a dog professional, have a reputation and code you (and hopefully all of us dog professionals do) must maintain. If she knows you, then she should understand this, and caring for you, want to act in a way that would make you value your friendship with her.
I have a Diabetes Alert Service Dog, AND I am a professional dog trainer. If I went out in public with my Service Dog, and he acted negatively in any way, with a dog or human, that would be on me, my ongoing training and the original training of the dog. If another dog trainer was with me and saw me, or my dog acting in any way against our codes and values, he/she would have a responsibility to speak up. The access of a Service Dog has been a hard won right for people who depend on these animals for their safety and lives, and everyone should defend that right.
All of our actions (or inactions), whether as a dog owner or a dog professional, either forward, or detract from, the freedoms we as dog owners, have worked hard to promote.
I hope at least some of this makes sense.
It might work to ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed where a strange dog came running up to hers off leash. Some owners might kick her dog to protect their own. Some owners, no doubt, would file a lawsuit.
Also ask her what might be the outcome if her off-leash dog ran to a leashed dog and that dog attacked and injured your friend’s dog. The consequences could be devastating. You may know your own dog, but you do not know other dogs. She truly is putting her dog at great risk. Leashed dogs can be especially protective of their owners and can become more aggressive.
Here’s another thought. What if that dog has a contagious disease and her dog is now exposed
and yours too, Nancy, when her dog returns.
Bottom line, I shudder at the thought of the harm that might happen in this situation. If you love your dog, think through the consequences of your dog’s actions and determine the best way to handle them in advance. Mentally, stay 10 steps ahead of your dog.
Apologies: The last 2 sentences in the first paragraph belong in the second paragraph. 🙂
Your guidance is hugely appreciated. Thank you.
Any time,I hope it all goes well!
Thank you Donna for this excellent advice on how to communicate respectfully with someone you disagree with. Would it be okay if I post your advice on my own page with credit to you?
Wow! I am blown away by your advice. Well done! If only more of us were trained to handle conflict resolution in such a constructive way. Thank you for sharing.
Great answer
Excellent response. In my conflict classes I also mention that people may want to anticipate the response they might get from the person and be prepared for it – and that the response should never be the gauge by which you determine whether your approach was good or not. We can never control their reactions…only our approach. It they get angry, it’s not your fault. I also firmly believe it is never too late to have a difficult conversation – rarely do humans say the right thing in the moment, but after we have processed it without all the emotion we can come up with the right words…hope it goes well!!
I think I would say that I didn’t want to see anything bad happen to her dog from another dog lunging at hers, or a bicycle hitting the dog, etc. Not the dog’s fault at all but wouldn’t your friend be upset if something happened and she’d probably blame it on someone else…. Sad. I couldn’t walk with her either…
I have a very small certified service dog and I am constantly running into the problem you described. Even a friendly bump could injure my dog.
We vacation at the Outer Banks and avoid going to the beaches that allow loose dogs, but people are so rude and still let their dogs off leash. I try to stay calm but I am truly afraid my dog is going to get injured. She is small so I can pick her up, but this is so maddening. In my own neighborhood when I walk I have to have a dog horn, and a big walking stick for protection.
Sometimes I say to the dog owner “ We have a leash law in this city”. On the beach walk though my husband just lost his temper yelling at the owner “ Are you special….you don’t have to leash your dog?”. The owner responded that his big lab was friendly even though the beach law was leashed dogs only.
I don’t know why people in general are so rude. Wish I had a better answer. I find going out with my dog stressful as I have to be constantly on guard.
I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I have a little Yorkie who is terrified of other dogs due to getting attacked twice, once by a husky who ran out of it’s front yard where it was with its owners. Beanie was about 3 years old and really tiny, so I think the husky thought she was a rabbit. Thank God, it didn’t hurt her as it must have realized this was a dog and not a rabbit. The owners came running over, apologizing all over the place. Ya, WHATEVER.
The 2nd time a pit bull, literally crashed through its front door, attacked my friend’s huge dog, who fought it off and then jumped on me to get to my dog who I was trying to hold up. The pit bull grazed her right haunch before my friend started punching and kicking it. It was absolutely horrifying. The owner and her TWO daughters could not even control the thing. Apparently, that family had found this dog by the side of a road and it had been in a dog fight, and they decided to take it home. Are you kidding me?? They knew nothing about this dog and were incapable of taking care of an animal like that. And before everyone starts about how pit bulls are wonderful, gentle dogs, it is the owners, I am not saying all pit bulls are bad, but this one clearly was.
And there were numerous other times where unsecured dogs came running out of yards and houses at me and my dog. Of course, the owner says: “But my dog is friendly and won’t hurt yours”. That isn’t the point! MY dog is afraid and SHE will attempt to protect both of us and go after the off leash dog and THAT is what I am afraid of. Because the other dog is going to protect ITSELF.
I don’t have any good answers on how to be diplomatic about this type of issue because I am NOT. Many times I have ended up yelling at people because I was so fed up. It really upsets me and drives me crazy when people don’t leash their dogs or if they are leashed, don’t pay attention to them.
And yes, walking my dog is not enjoyable because I have to be constantly hyper alert for signs of a dog!!
So sorry to hear about your dog being hurt. We “Supposedly” don’t have Pit Bulls in the UK as they are a banned breed but we have Staffies and American Bulldogs which look very similar. You have to understand genetic disposition if you won this type of dog as not all breeds are the same and it is ignorant to think this. I have had lots of bad encounters with Staffies over the years of owning dogs and sadly they do tend t be owned by some nasty characters of people who just want the dog because they are inadequate specimens of humanity who need a “hard” aggressive dog to “improve” their image and get respect. A local training club I used to go to had a lady with an extremely dog-reactive Yorkshire terrier attending. the trainer told me privately that the lady had owned 2 Yorkies but one had been killed by a Staffy and the other dog had witnessed this so was understandably now terrified of other dogs poor thing.
It’s so frustrating! I too want to just have a peaceful walk with my dog. I’ve resorted to driving to a different location every day to walk my dog because neighbors on both sides of me don’t leash their dogs or don’t keep them in a fenced in area. They let their dogs out unsupervised. Last year the neighbor dog on one side tried to attack my dog as we were walking by. Just last week the neighbor dog on the other side, is thankfully friendly, but tried to follow us walking down the middle of the road. I was afraid he’d get hit by another car. Another neighbor was driving by and was able to get the dog to go back home, but seriously! I’ve been working with my dog all summer on loose leash walking and general good dog manners and it so frustrating when nobody else seems to care enough to work with their dog.